I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I FORGIVE YOU AND THANK YOU. PS.. I LOVE YOU
Let me explain…
As I was doing my workout and jumping around with my skip rope this morning, I had a little epiphany and felt the urge to leave this message to everybody that has been, is and will be part of my life. And I want to write it now in case something happens to me tomorrow, or even the next hour. Because you just never know.
Life is short, and if something I learned throughout the years, it’s to appreciate every moment we are given. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always do. Sometimes I take things for granted. I’m not perfect (but very very close!…although it depends on which realm- let’s talk about this another time).
So as I am skipping, I got thinking (yes, skip and think, can you appreciate the multitasking involved in this?): what if I “go home” this afternoon? What if it’s decided that my “time” is up. It’s not that I think I need to go, or want to go… I think there’s still so much for me to do and learn in this life! I mean, I just truly started to live. I am finally happy! Oh the challenges that my soul has set up for me. Some more difficult than others, some short, some non sense, some longer, tougher, harder. And yet, I survived. Here I am. Happy, fulfilled and breathing.
If something happened to me as I am writing this, my appartement would have to be cleared and people would dig into my old stuff. Not that I have a whole lot left- by choice- the material world is so overrated. I find I still have too much. And I went and bought a humidifier the other day. Another “thing”. I am a bit fanatic about my health sometimes, everybody around me knows that. I used that excuse to justify me purchasing “something” new. (I looked on Kijiji Pablo, there was none.)
Where was I… The stuff I left behind, including my old diaries. People would read my old diaries! Hopefully they wouldn’t, but chances are they will. I read my mom’s. She was not whiny like me, I am warning you now. There are people I haven’t called in a while or vice versa. Maybe there are people I have pissed off or hurt. Maybe I forgot your birthday. Oh the diaries. I’ve been mean in some of them. Hatred. Sadness. Mean words. That was when I didn’t understand what life was all about. That was when I thought you were to blame for my unhappiness. That was when I thought you were the problem. Life was the problem. Society was the problem – that last one is another blog of it’s own.
I wrote all these nasty things when I was unhappy and frustrated. I was unattached to the higher spirits, divine energy or faith or God (whatever you want to call “it”). I was unaware of who I truly AM. When in fact, I am pretty awesome. I’ve always been awesome. My awesomeness was just hiding way deep behind all the masks. I just couldn’t see awesome. I saw yucky and saw everything around me just the same, because it’s easier to blame others.
So, for all the nastiness, the ugly, the mean… I really didn’t mean it. In fact, I THANK YOU for doing all these things to me. Without you, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today. I’m sorry if my words have hurt you, for these words were a mere attack on myself. A self reflection. Trying to fight against my soul, subconsciously trying to survive and figure out who I AM. It’s not about you at all. I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way (if it makes you feel better hearing it). But in reality, maybe my actions towards you, was also part of YOUR journey. This learning SELF business thing is a two way road.
So whatever you did to me, or didn’t do to me, or will do to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Why do we say bottom anyway? Sounds so shallow. I’ll take that again.. Thank you, from deep within my soul’s heart, to yours.
Thank you for giving me this lesson. Sorry I might have been a slow learner! Thank you for doing me a favor. Thank you for being part of my journey. We are in this together. Thank you for being who you were, who you are and who you will be. I love you. All of you. And I forgive you. I forgive myself.
Oh and sorry if you get to my apartment and the place is a mess. It’s not always like that, I swear!
Maybe I should just burn those diaries…? Do you still have your diaries?